SWUG LYFE

I mean… really?

Greetings RIB readers, long time no type. Unfortunately, as a senior at Brown University, I have found myself fortunately consuming alcohol, torching a thesis, and discovering that I actually have work to do before May 26th. Thus, I make my return to the feminine blogosphere now, with only 2 months left in my college career. Alas, better late than never, and better impart the grandest collection of information for future female seniors than none.

An article published by NY magazine recently reported a surge in a self-proclaimed SWUG (“senior washed up girl”) culture at our fellow (although obviously inferior in both style and worldly intellect) Ivy in New Haven. After reading through some poorly composed comments, undoubtedly written by men, I stumbled upon this fact: the popularized term, SWUG was coined by none other than a Brown female around 2005. On pondering this fact, I have realized that the probable reasoning behind this is not only that Brown women are the most creative of all, but also, unfortunately have shared this cursed identity in full force for too long. What defines the original SWUG–the Brown SWUG? Don’t worry, my personal experience can fill you in.

You start off senior year with these grand ideas–I’m going to go out every night, spend every sunny day on the main green, never miss a Wednesday night Whiskey, cook fancy dinners with extravagant drinks from Ina Garten’s recipe collection, and most importantly pursue every attractive underclassman that I want–because face it, I’m a senior and the shit. Not to say I haven’t enjoyed myself thus far, but I certainly fell short of my initial goals, as I’m sure many of my classmates would agree upon. Thus, we have fallen into the SWUG lyfe.

For Lent, I Gave Up

On one Wednesday every year, I look around and wonder: Why did people forget to wash their faces today? Did I miss the memo? Is this cool now?!

And it hits me: Oh. Lent.

It’s Ash Wednesday, you moron.

I was raised by two atheists, so my knowledge of religious customs is confined to Santa Claus and the Rugrats Passover Episode. But Lent is one of those quintessentially American traditions, like New Year’s Resolutions. Everybody chooses something to “give up”- like soda, candy, or alcoholism. I continued with the charade for 20 years. And this year, I just decided to give up.

Dear Storytelling in the Wire,

I hope this letter finds you well through the bureaucracy of the US Postal service.  I send this mail via Providence and not Baltimore, but I hope you still find its contents relevant to the American struggle of deindustrialization.  Am I not getting your attention?  Fuck. Shit. Motherfucker.  Am I now speaking in your language?  Sorry, that was just a little tacit knowledge.

Although I’ve been continually trying to work the back corner of Salomon Auditorium, in the words of Major Colvin, “I’m sick of the bullshit.”  Over the last 7 weeks, I have only learned two things.  

Beyonce for President 2016

Having just watched Beyoncé’s HBO documentary “Life is But a Dream”, I was inspired to make a list of 10 reasons why I think Queen B should run for, and be elected, President of the United States in 2016:

1. She is loved by the masses: No one can bring the country together quite like Bey. Sure, people may disagree on the economy, gay rights, abortion, etc., but at the end of the day, we can all agree on one thing – Beyoncé is the epitome of talent and greatness
2. She is fierce: Bey is the kinda lady who isn’t afraid to do what it takes to get the job done. As she says in her documentary, “I’m like most women — very generous, and I’ll compromise… I used to be afraid of people thinking I was difficult or too critical, and you know, I don’t really care about that anymore.” YOU GO, GIRL.
3. She is beautiful: You try negotiating with someone this good-looking without getting distracted. In fact, I’d like to see Israel or Palestine try to say no to her peace proposition.
4. She has a sandwich named after her: And it looks like it could be strangely delicious.
5. Her husband is HOVA: I haven’t yet figured out how this helps my case but I’m just sure it does.

The Pope’s Next Moves

On February 11, Pope Benedict XVI announced his retirement. He is the first Pope to voluntarily abdicate since Pope Celestine V stepped down in 1294. So, what’s next for the soon-to-be-former Pope? We got our hands on some leaked documents that suggest Pope Benedict might be making some unexpected career moves––into the world of comedy.

His resume after the jump.  Click on the images to enlarge.

The Worst Question in the World

I was just trying to enjoy my time at home with my family – catching up on my reality TV, eating my feelings, teaching my brothers how to defend themselves in the face of little jerkfaced bullies – but everywhere I turned, there seemed to be at least one person ready to kill my vibe. All it takes is one quick question…

The Literal Harlem Shake

The Harlem Shake has gone viral.  It’s on National TV, in prep schools, and even the army wants in.  So, what is a small college comedy blog to do? Make a version themselves! Sure we don’t have chicken suits, motorcycle helmets, or blown up pictures of random people’s faces…

But we’ve got something bigger and better!  AND we are so good that we are going to get all of Harlem to shake with us!