Are you there, GOP? It’s me, Vagina
So…hey, guys. How’s it hangin’? Havin’ a ball? Hope you’re not feeling too COCKsure about things…
Okay, okay, wait. Stop. Rewind. I’m sorry. Really, I am. I didn’t mean to start out with the stupid penis jokes, I just…you know, was trying to reduce the tension. This is a bit awkward now, right? It’s just – we haven’t been on the best of terms recently, I guess.
I just feel like we’re not even speaking the same language, GOP. I mean…do you even know who I am? Okay, clearly you do, because in the year of 2011 alone, you’ve enacted 135 new laws about reproductive rights.
HA! 135 pieces of legislation that directly affect ME, GOP, but you won’t even deign to answer my texts! Our conversations are so one-sided it’s not even funny. It’s like we just hooked up and while you think that the experience was heavenly and orgasmic for me (why you always seem to think this is BEYOND ME), you just realized with the utmost conviction that you are gay, gayer than an Elton John feat. Justin Bieber collaboration, and it’s just way too embarrassing to tell me, or something.
VAGINA: Hey, GOP. Wanna get a cup of coffee and talk things over?
VAGINA: Cool, the silent treatment. But seriously though, can you just answer me? I really think we have some stuff to discuss.
VAGINA: I am bleeding profusely and will come near you and the BEARS WILL ATTACK and you will be TAINTED by period blood!
GOP: **disconnects phone**
But you’re not gay either, are you. Because…well duh, you don’t like that either. Gays, vaginas, and big government, oh my. What do you even like again? Oh, right. Sorry. Forgot.
But actually though, my estrogen and progesterone levels are fluctuating madly and I’m getting dangerously close to my PMS and I swear –
You don’t know what PMS stands for? Penis Male Success, you say? In your dreams, buddy. Panda Makes Sushi? Well…no, but damn, does that sounds awesome! I want to go to there.
Powerful Magic Spell? Ooh, close! Pre-menstruation syndrome. Yeah. That. And although it doesn’t actually attract bears, it does make me bloated and I start stress-eating a lot of Cheetos and Hohos and nachos and anything really that ends with –ohs, and things are going to get real ugly in here if you don’t start listening to me. ESPECIALLY if you start taking away my rights to birth control, which actually helps to regulate these bloody cycles…I mean, now you’re just asking for it.
Let’s start with the state of Rhode Island: on April 11th, the House Judiciary had hearings about 9 bills on abortion: SEVEN of them pro-life, only two of them pro-choice. There’s tricky little clauses in these bills like forced ultrasounds before allowing abortion, which delays said procedure and makes women look irresponsible for terminating so late-term. Can we also talk about what these ultrasound probes look like – 6 to 8 inches long and covered with a condom? Compensating much, GOP?!
This is the thing, GOP. You are unfortunately always going to be intimately connected to me, whether you like it or not. I’m part of your mistress and your wife and your teacher and your best friend and last but not least, YOUR MOM. And yo momma jokes are definitely going to get pretty weird if you strip me of all my rights.
And I’m not going to express a religious opinion because I’m just your friendly neighborhood talking body part, but if you decide that although the Bible depicts women as created from the male rib (WOAH, META-REFERENCE HERE), there may be, just maybe, also be a little bit of truth in biology, take a peek at evolutionary ontogeny. All lil’ fetuses develop a vagina first, and then your teeny tiny balls start to develop out of them. Crazy, huh? YOU CAME FROM A VA-JAY-JAY.
Anyway, I’d like to end this by thanking the GOP, even though maybe they’re currently ignoring me. Special thanks to Rush Limbaugh who called every woman who wants birth control a “slut and prostitute” and to the late, great Rick Santorum, who proclaimed that “single moms need kicking in the butt since they are breeding criminals.” (WTF?!)
Because maybe without these borderline insane comments, I wouldn’t have decided it was necessary to start standing up for myself. And this lone vagina ranger is certainly not going to take this all sitting down. And you know that crazy, terrifying myth you heard about vaginas and cycles, right? We tend to SYNC UP. Scared yet?
[These comments have no reflection upon Brown University]